


Not mine to dream about

by spymaster



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Best Friends, F/F, I have so much angst for this, Mutual Pining, Pep Talk, character feelings study, hold on yall
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-03-08
Packaged: 2019-11-01 05:40:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 19,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17861378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spymaster/pseuds/spymaster
Summary: “Why did you do that?”Lena had asked.“Because he’s not right for you,”answered Kara.“And you know who’s right for me?”“Yes.”Or the Soulmate AU where Kara isn't Lena's soulmate.





	1. Fifteen Years Too Late

**Author's Note:**

> I have been planning to write a different type of Soulmate AU since forever. Now I have the right material, so here you go.
> 
> I haven't checked grammar much or done beta, so any mistake is mine.
> 
> Enjoy!

“I love you.”

 

Kara couldn't cover her mouth in time. Lena's bright eyes already widened like they had just taken in Kara growing another head. They stared at Kara for a too long second to pretend Lena hadn't heard anything.

 

_Shit._

 

“What did you just say?” Lena asked with the most alerted voice ever. Kara knew that if she answered the wrong way, Lena would get mad immediately.

 

“Nothing,” Kara stubbornly denied.

 

“You said you loved me,” Lena corrected.

 

Kara looked away, moving to the other end of the couch awkwardly. “It wasn't what I meant.” As soon as she spoke it, she winced because it sounded _bad_.

 

“Then what did you mean by that?” Lena lowered her voice dangerously. A silent moment passed in horror. Kara gulped and decided to stay quiet. “Look at me and answer the question, Kara.”

 

The blonde swallowed again and obeyed Lena's demand. She felt afraid when she locked eyes with the furious green ones, just waiting to explode. “I didn't mean to say it out loud,” she confessed.

 

“But you did,” Lena stated the obvious. “You know it can't be.”

 

Kara's chest twisted. She knew her feelings for Lena would never be accepted and reconciled but still, it hurt to hear. She felt so stupid for letting those cursed words out. “I do.”

 

“Then why did you say it?”

 

Should Kara mention how it felt to look at Lena and fall for her everyday but not being able to say anything? Should she say how much it hurt to know she could never be anything more than a friend to Lena? Should she confess that it was unfair that only she felt like this? Should she scream out loud that she didn't want to hide her feelings anymore?

 

“I don't know.”

 

“Don't you want to be my friend anymore?”

 

Kara felt the tears trying to form in her eyes and chuckled away. “Of course I want to be your friend.”

 

Lena held her eyes, saying without judgment, “And you want more.”

 

Kara heard her heart sank. “I won't ask for more.”

 

Lena kept silence, staring at the movie they were watching. Kara wanted to add something but she felt like she had done something wrong. So she stayed quiet too. The moment seemed to pass and Kara thought Lena had let it pass.

 

“I have to go,” Lena stood up abruptly. She quickly grabbed the jacket and headed to the door without looking back on Kara.

 

The blonde sat still and watched with her heart breaking with every step Lena made. She wanted to get up and hold Lena's hand to make her stay, but things would have been much easier if she could do it.

 

She couldn’t.

 

Because they were just friends. No matter how much Kara loved Lena, they were only friends.

 

Lena paused at the door and threw a quick ‘good night’ over her shoulder. Kara said it back as a habit and heard the door shut.

 

And she began crying. She _broke_ down crying on the couch where she had been sitting and sharing a blanket with Lena watching an old movie. She gripped the material tightly and used it to wipe away the tears streaming down her face.

 

She broke the promise.

 

The promise of not falling for Lena, because they would never work.

 

It hurt so badly, not being able to touch or even look at Lena the way she wanted. Like being locked out of heaven, Kara could only silently desire and dream, standing next to doing nothing because what other choice could she have?

 

It hurt. _Bad._

 

Kara sniffed and wiped her face by the sink. She splashed more and more water at her face, trying to wash away the horrible feeling of having broken something fragile. Then she went to bed, with the movie still on. The sound of it brought something alive into the apartment, calming her.

 

The morning came quietly. It was afraid of startling her, maybe. Kara tiredly rolled to the other side of the bed, searching blindly for the alarm that hadn’t even gone off as a habit and turn it off before it rang. She checked the phone, hoping to hear from Lena.

 

There was nothing.

 

With how well she knew Lena, Kara could tell she wouldn’t be hearing from her friend any time soon. She should just go on with her life. That knowledge didn’t stop her from typing _I’m sorry_ and left it there with the blinking mouse for a few seconds before deleting the phrase.

 

 _You look like shit_ was the first greeting she got at work. Her best friend slash co-worker, Winn, grinned at her playfully as he chewed the piece of bread with a sweep of jam on the corner of his lips.

 

“No, you look worse than shit, honestly,” he added when she sat down and took out her own breakfast. “You look like shit’s worst day. Shit’s shit.”

 

The stupid phrasing got Kara chuckle. “Well you look like a dream.”

 

Winn’s gleeful face turned into something softer. “Rough night?”

 

“Something like that,” Kara admitted and started opening the package of sandwich she just bought.

 

“Party hard?” Winn teased good-heartedly. He knew Kara never partied.

 

“The hardest.”

 

They stayed silent for a moment before Winn asked, “Lena?”

 

Kara’s hand paused around the sandwich. “ _Lena._ ”

 

She didn’t look but she knew what kind of expression Winn was having. Pitiful. Sad. Sorry. “What happened?”

 

“I…,” Kara started, closing her eyes to get over with, “...told her I loved her.”

 

Winn bit his lip. Then he took a deep breath. “Judging by how you are right now, she didn’t take it well.”

 

“No, she did not.” Kara chuckled dryly like it wasn’t her story but some other kind of twisted comedy show. “She left movie night.”

 

“Ouch. Why did you tell her that when you already know how she’d react?”

 

“I’m not sure why.” Kara smiled as a single tear came crawling out. She wiped it quickly away. “In that moment I just had to tell her. It has gotten too much, Winn.”

 

Her best friend from high school sighed knowingly. He placed a hand on her shoulder, gripping it gently. “I know. I have always known it. I didn’t think you still felt that way about Lena. Not after everything.”

 

Another tear came driving out. “If it doesn’t change after fifteen years, it doesn’t change at all.”

 

___

 

Kara remembered the first time she laid eyes on Lena. It was the hottest summer day known to her existence. At the age of ten, Kara was an active one, and not being able to move during the heat really annoyed her.

 

She went swimming with her sister Alex and her cousin Clark, who were slightly older, tagging along with Clark’s mom. They had a great time, and things would have been normal if someone didn’t get drown that day.

 

Kara didn’t get to look. Nobody let her. It was a huge fuss and adults surrounded around the poor child, giving help, shouting orders. Lena was new to the neighborhood and it was her first time at the pool. Everyone thought she was dead. Her mom cried out loud, her dad held her body tightly.

 

Kara had watched it all. It was playing slowly in front of her eyes, not being covered quickly in time by Clark’s mom. But then Lena coughed violently and cried and she was alive.

 

Lena had been The Girl Who Almost Died for many years after that. Kara always noticed her every time she was in sight and honestly, Kara simply enjoyed seeing Lena alive and well.

 

It was a black and white world. Everyone was born in a black and white world. It would be like that until they kissed someone special, someone whom Kara’s mom called _soulmate_ , their world would be full of colors again.

 

Kara wasn’t born in that black and white world. Colors didn’t have to be taught with her. She just saw them with every little detail that usually only grown-ups did. It was amazing at first, to be able to do it. Kara felt special. Then she realized she was not normal, comparing to others. While she didn’t have to live in the black and white world, she would never know her _soulmate_ or recognize them from the crowd. And as long as that went, nobody would be.

 

That didn’t stop Kara from approaching Lena one day when she had homework about the colors of flowers. Lena had that homework because she was older, but Kara was able to help her simply because she could see colors better. It was just like that, they became friends.

 

_“Tell me about the colors, Kara.”_

 

Lena had asked that every day during their time as friends, and Kara never got bothered by that. She told Lena about the flowers, the trees, the different shades of the sky. Lena always looked at her with the full curiosity, with the bewitched gaze taken upon her face. She was just gorgeous every time she did that.

 

Before Kara even knew what love was, she had fallen in love. And she kept being in love for many years after.

 

The first person who realized that was Winn. Kara befriended Winn in high school when Lena had her own circle of friends. Winn noted that Kara _has a weird way of looking at Lena_ and when she asked about it, he said something that stuck in her head.

 

_“I don’t know. You look at her like she’s the only one with colors.”_

 

And after many nights if losing sleep, the truth dawned on Kara. She loved Lena. In more ways than one. But she did. And she was so happy.

 

Kara didn’t tell Lena that until a few years later, after an odd moment where both of them got drunk and kissed each other, she finally worked up her courage to come to Lena’s with the intention of confessing her feelings and asking Lena out as _more than friends_. Instead of doing that, she saw Lena kissing the school’s quarterback, James, in front of her door.

 

Kara just went home and listened to the loudest music she could find that day. The world full of colors suddenly became gray in her eyes, not literally, but it felt that way.

 

Neither of them talked about the kiss.

 

She tried to move on. She did. It was her only choice since she had to look at Lena and James for year after year after year. Kara didn’t know how to move on, to be exact. The only thing she knew that the pain in her chest only got worse, like a disease, a lovely disease. And then one day, after many years, when James got down on one knee as a surprise in a party, Kara had looked at Lena and shaken her head.

 

 _“Why did you do that?”_ Lena had asked.

 

 _“Because he’s not right for you,”_ answered Kara.

 

_“And you know who’s right for me?”_

 

_“Yes.”_

 

Kara had waited for Lena to ask more. _‘Who is it?’_. She was supposed to ask that. But instead she didn’t.

 

_“We should just be friends, Kara.”_

 

_“What about the kiss?”_

 

_“The kiss was a mistake.”_

 

_“It wasn’t. There was something. You felt it.”_

 

_“So what? It was years ago, Kara. You can’t expect me to throw away everything I have with James for a drunken kiss.”_

 

_“I don’t. I just want to tell you that he’s not right for you.”_

 

_“I’ll decide it.”_

 

Just like that, they never spoke about it again. Lena went on with the preparation of the wedding. Kara flew to Midvale to visit her mother. Everything was fine.

 

Until...

 

Kara heard about the wedding cancellation a short while after. She returned to the city to a silent Lena, who didn’t say a single word about the reason of the fall out. Kara didn’t ask, though. She didn’t want to seem happy that Lena broke up with James. It was a conflicted feeling to have, being glad that Lena no longer dated James but at the same time couldn’t stand the sad look on Lena’s face.

 

Kara had been with Lena the entire time, being the friend she was supposed to be. She held Lena until she fell asleep, she took off Lena’s shoes, she pulled the blanket up to her chest. She did everything a concerned friend would do, without hoping for more.

 

It went on for years like that, and unfortunately, her feelings for Lena never strayed away.

 

Kara went on dates, too. She tried to have options. There were so many great people out there, and she had done her best to give them a chance. But when she said something affectionate to them, she always had to imagine Lena, or else it would sound clumsy and fake. The entire thing was fake anyway.

 

___

 

Kara opened the text from her sister and sighed. Alex was Lena’s best friend, of course, she would know about that night. Alex also knew how long Kara had been in love with Lena, so her _ are you okay? _ jabbed deeper than it should. Kara sensed pity.

 

 ** I’m fine **, Kara texted back and slipped the phone back into the pocket. The article was still in need to be typed out.

 

The next message came. _ Do you want me to come over? _

 

** I told you I’m fine. **

 

_ I know you’re not. _

 

** What did Lena tell you? **

 

_ Enough. _

 

** How is she? **

 

_ Upset. _

 

Kara let out a bitter chuckle. Lena got upset over Kara admitting she loved her. _Ouch._

 

** I have to go. I have work. **

 

_ Hey, everything will be fine. _

 

** Bye, Alex. **

 

Kara turned off the phone and let it be on the table, untouched.

 

___

 

 _“This is getting ridiculous,”_ Alex’s voice sounded tired on the other end. _“You can’t avoid Kara forever.”_

 

Lena pressed down a long sigh and continued cutting the apple. The phone was leaning against the flower pot on the kitchen counter, showing Alex’s concerned face. “I’m not avoiding her. Not forever.”

 

_“It’s been a week, for crying out loud. At least text her something.”_

 

“I can’t.”

 

_“Why not?”_

 

“I don’t know what to say,” Lena admitted bitterly, “I don’t know how to face her.”

 

_“She deserves the truth, Lena. She’s my sister, please. At least you can tell her why.”_

 

Lena closed her eyes in the excruciating pain of carrying something for so long. She had told Alex about it the day after she left Kara’s, and now her best friend kept pushing on her telling Kara the truth.

 

Of course, Alex wanted Kara to know the truth. It had been years and with each day passed, Lena dug herself deeper into the pit behind the delay of the truth. She didn’t know how to crawl out of it and she might have let herself be drowned in it until…

 

_“I love you.”_

 

The entire Lena’s body paused. She felt it harder to breathe, harder to move, harder to process.

 

She looked at Kara. Everything was still in black and white. Nothing changed. Kara wasn’t her soulmate.

 

Lena was a broken glitch of the system. She had thought that it was something temporal, because sometimes she saw colors, but then everything went back to black and white. The kiss she had had with Kara many years ago didn’t change the view of her world. It was still black and white.

 

Then she got desperate and reckless, she accepted dating James to avoid the talk she was supposed to have with Kara. When he went for the kiss, she thought about Kara and just stayed still. But then, when she opened her eyes, she saw colors.

 

She saw colors after kissing James. She told James that right away and he said the same.

 

James was her soulmate, or ‘destined angel’ - as Kara sometimes said so. Lena was half worried and half relieved. She was glad she found her soulmate, but she was disappointed it wasn’t Kara. Incredibly disappointed.

 

Lena hoped her feelings would go away. Lena thought they would. They didn’t, only stayed in her chest like a weight and got heavier every time she saw Kara. She tried to push them aside and be a proper friend, keeping distance. Luckily, Kara never did something that would make Lena question their friendship, and it went on like that for years.

 

Lena’s eyes stopped seeing colors. It didn’t happen right away. The colors slowly faded away. She told James about it and he tried his best to fix it. But what he could actually do anyway? One morning, Lena woke up in the black and white world again. She never told anyone about it but James. She couldn’t stand the pity in everyone’s eyes, especially Kara’s.

 

The proposal happened in a few days later. James got down on one knee among the gathering, and popped the question. Everyone stared at them, and Lena darted her eyes around to find one particular person. Kara was standing far away from the center of the room, right by the door frame.

 

Her eyes kept Lena in a chokehold, like the world had stopped. Everything reduced down to Kara’s blue eyes and the steel gaze she was giving to Lena.

 

And Lena saw Kara shaking her head. She was telling Lena to refuse marrying James. But how could she do that? He was her soulmate. He was destined for her since the moment she was born. She saw colors after kissing him. And he was a good person. There was no reason for her to refuse.

 

No reason, except the tingling sensation in her guts. It vibrated strongly in her stomach, pulling her towards Kara. Lena was cursed with finding The One and still having her heart taken away by another.

 

Kara saying that James was not right for her only threw Lena into a loop of confusion and deep despair. She had no idea what game the universe was playing with her. It pointed out obviously years ago that truth. James said it was a miracle that they had found each other so quickly when usually people had to spend years to kiss the right person. Lena should have felt lucky.

 

But Kara was right in front of her, telling her not to marry her soulmate. And for a moment, Lena truly considered that for real. The thought of having a kiss with Kara again made her ready to throw away everything she had. Lena had had that thought lingering in her mind, then she bit it back and swallowed it as a whole to forget it.

 

_“You can’t expect me to throw away everything I have with James for a drunken kiss.”_

 

The way Kara’s eyes looked at her at that moment was all she feared. The hurt swimming in the color blue that she no longer saw but remembered so well began to haunt Lena’s shadow. She could feel Kara was trying to hold back tears. Lena wanted to take back her own words instantly, but Kara already answered.

 

_“I don’t. I just want to tell you that he’s not right for you.”_

 

A part of Lena believed Kara, but then the fact that she saw colors after kissing James countered it. Every time she found a sign that James might be wrong for her, that moment came back to haunt her. Who was she to fight back the universe?

 

_“I’ll decide it.”_

 

From that day on, Lena lived on with the string of regrets. She regretted a lot of things, even the smallest things. She hated that she felt horrible when she heard about Kara’s dates. She hated that she sensed the ache in her chest when Kara kissed someone at a party. She hated that she even felt something for Kara while she should only feel that way about James only.

 

Finally, Lena couldn’t take the torn anymore. It was just a fight. One among a million fights she had with James. It was only about the music. James wanted something Coldplay, but Lena preferred something without words. It was that one simple conflict, exploded into an enormous fight about being late, lying, keeping secrets. James broke off the engagement as quickly as when he kneeled down.

 

_“Being your soulmate is exhausting.”_

 

Lena couldn’t even cry at that point. Her eyes were dry and emotionless. It was how he felt the entire time being with her, and if she said she didn’t see that, it would be a total lie. She should have held him back but instead, she let her ‘soulmate’ leave the door. When the sound of the door closing echoed in the living room, Lena still stood there, not thinking about chasing after James.

 

The first thing she did was reaching for the phone.

 

Kara’s voice sounded warm and caring on the other side. Only then Lena started crying. She didn’t even say anything to Kara that night but her friend stayed on the phone until she fell asleep.

 

Kara knocked on the door right in the next morning, and it was like they had never had a kiss, never had a fight. Everything became natural, how Kara just stayed by Lena’s side. It felt so right, but also wrong. How could she feel to relieved? How could she feel so happy? How could she feel so completed?

 

Lena made a promise herself: never ruining their friendship for her own feelings. Kara was having such a great life with many opportunities. Kara’s soulmate was waiting somewhere, Lena believed. She couldn’t let Kara pass them up just because she couldn’t handle her heart.

 

It all came crashing down when Kara muttered those three words during their movie night. They were talking about a joke from the movie and Lena laughed at how silly Kara was while eating popcorn. Then Kara threw some popcorn at Lena and they got into a laugh fest. And suddenly, when her eyes met Kara’s for a moment, everything seemed to pause. It was one of those split of a second where Lena would remember forever. The way the wrinkles formed around Kara’s eyes, the way her nose crinkled just a little, the way her lips cracked open into laughter, everything was sewn into Lena’s brain.

 

 _“You’re such an idiot. I hate you.”_ Lena had said so to reduce the floating feeling of aching love inside her chest. She didn’t want to reach out and touch Kara the way her body wanted to. She didn’t want to look at Kara the wrong way. If it was never meant to be, the least she could do was staying off the track of Kara’s chance to find happiness.

 

 _“No, you love me.”_ Kara laughed and said with tease. Then the smile faded and she continued, _“I love you.”_

 

The sincerity in Kara’s tone caught Lena’s attention immediately. And her reaction to it was not pleasant, she had to admit. She was consumed by the fear and beforehand rejection that she had set out for herself.

 

She was harsh to Kara. It made her feel awful afterward and she had to consult Alex. Kara’s sister wasn’t very thrilled when she found out about Lena’s feelings.

 

_“How could you not tell her all these years?” Alex sounded frustrated on the phone. Her best friend wasn’t usually active in the morning but it seemed like Alex had fully awaken. “I’m shocked, Lena.”_

 

_“I don’t want to ruin our friendship, Alex. We have known each other for so long and when we don’t work out, it would be devastating.” Lena admitted, feeling bad that she had to say it out loud._

 

_“How can you even tell that it wouldn’t work if you don’t try?”_

 

_“Because James is my soulmate and I don’t even want to be with him. How can I stay with Kara? Not to mention she still hasn’t found her soulmate. What if that person comes one day and Kara can’t help it but loving them?” Lena felt the tears coming out. She wiped it away and sniffed. “I’d rather be her friend forever than having her and losing her eventually.”_

 

_Alex didn’t answer right away. The line stayed quiet for a few moments before Alex continued with a question. “Have you ever wondered that Kara would worth a try?”_

 

_Lena sucked a sharp breath. Tears swelled up again as she spoke, “I never dare to think about it.”_

 

_“Well, start doing it now. Kara loves you, and you love her. Give you both a chance.”_

 

Lena couldn’t sleep for a few nights. She kept thinking about what Alex told her. What she did to Kara was awful, and she felt like she didn’t deserve Kara. Kara had always been so good to her and she only hurt her over and over. Their friendship was already the best thing she could hope for.

 

So many times her thumb hovered above Kara’s number but Lena always chickened out at the last second and put the phone away. She didn’t know what kind of conversation would happen. Would Kara be upset? Would Kara be happy? What would change between them?

 

Thousands of possibilities came into Lena’s mind when she finally sat down on the couch and texted Kara for the first time since two weeks. She typed, deleted, typed again, deleted again. How should one start up a normal conversation with someone after leaving their house right after they confessed their feelings? Lena had been incredibly rude, and she was so ashamed of it.

 

Taking a deep breath, she told herself that she was an adult, she could own up to her mistake.

 

_You can do this._

 

She pressed call. And she waited. It felt like hours before Kara picked up.

 

 _“Hello?”_ Kara’s voice sounded hoarse, like she had just woken up. Lena checked the time and knew that Kara had been at home for three hours, which meant she had eaten, showered, and was probably now chilling on the couch.

 

“Hi,” Lena responded, almost too shyly, “What are you doing?”

 

 _“Just Netflix. I fell asleep but I’m up now. What’s up?”_ Kara cleared her throat mid-sentence. Lena could picture her friend sitting up on the slouching position and felt warm in her chest. Kara sounded okay. Much better than Lena had expected. _“Something wrong?”_

 

“No, nothing’s wrong. I just want to check up on you,” Lena added a soft chuckle to bring some lightness into the conversation but she caught the silence on the other end.

 

 _“I’m fine,”_ Kara answered like a whisper. _“You?”_

 

Lena was going to say ‘I’m fine, too’ but it felt flat on her tongue. She wasn’t actually calling Kara for this. She needed to tell Kara her truth. “I need to talk to you.”

 

_“Then talk. I’m listening.”_

 

“Directly. Is that okay?”

 

Kara chuckled. _“Are you sure you want to speak to me directly?”_

 

“Why not?”

 

_“I thought you wouldn’t want to see me again. You’ve been quiet for two weeks.”_

 

Lena took in a sharp huff. “You’ve been quiet for two weeks, too.”

 

_“Well, that’s what I’m supposed to do. I gave you space and time to process what I told you that night. After two weeks, I wonder if that’s how we end our friendship.”_

 

Kara sounded serious. And irritated. Lena inhaled slowly and found the right word. “I’m sorry for storming off like that.” She paused, waiting to see if Kara wanted to say something. When nothing was heard, she continued, “I really want to talk to you about it. Can I come over?”

 

 _“No. I’ll come over.”_ Lena heard the sound of the door closing. _“I have to give the lady next door something anyway. I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”_

 

The beating heart danced wildly in Lena’s chest when the call ended. She quickly looked around to see if her apartment was presentable enough. Then she looked at herself and decided she should wear something better instead of comfy clothes. But she wouldn’t dress up. She didn’t want to scare Kara off.

 

_____

 

Kara didn’t know what to make out of the thing that Lena wanted to talk about besides trying to let her down gently. It was a bit too late for it anyway. When Lena reacted to Kara’s confession like some kind of offense, Kara’s heart already broke into a million pieces.

 

She had spent the last two weeks to do some soul-searching, mostly to distract herself from the heartbreak. Kara avoided the places she could find Lena, buried herself in work by taking more tasks. She also denied going out with Winn and Alex, with the excuse of work, but the main reason was that she didn’t want their pity eyes. Winn had found his soulmate, who was on a distance relationship with him. They somehow made it work so well. Alex was still on her way to find the soulmate, but she never rushed.

 

Nobody was like Kara, not knowing whether or not she had a soulmate. And even if she did, she wouldn’t be able to know anyway. The only way to know was that her soulmate told her about their change of vision. She had kissed many people, and she desperately hoped that one of them would tell her she was her soulmate. The funny thing was that her wish was born from the desire to be able to move on from Lena, not from her desire to find someone.

 

After so many kisses, Kara’s mind always traced back to the moment when she kissed Lena. It lingered long enough to be considered romantic. She had kept her eyes close because she didn’t care if Lena was her soulmate or not. She remembered how soft Lena’s lips were, exactly like the way she dreamed. She could even taste that moment on her skin whenever she felt lonely. And in her brain, Lena had looked at her in the glassy gaze of content, which sparked her hope for something more.

 

But years went by, Kara was afraid to admit that maybe it was all just in her head. Maybe it was simply a drunken kiss. Maybe Kara had looked too deep into it. Maybe she had fallen in love with the idea of Lena, a Lena who would ever return her feelings genuinely.

 

Maybe it was a good thing that Kara never had anything with Lena. There was only a kiss, and her heart already betrayed her. She wouldn’t be able to recover if they had something more.

 

But her chest bloated up at the sight of Lena behind the door. Her mouth stretched into a gentle smile as a reaction to Lena’s greeting. It was strange that no matter what was going on between them, they always had a smile on for each other.

 

“Hey there,” Lena said, a shy chuckle flew out of her lips.

 

“Hey,” Kara replied, noticing how Lena was wearing a simple red dress that looked so good on her it made Kara gulp. “Can I come in?”

 

“Of course.” Lena stepped aside to leave Kara space. She turned around and walked into the house with Kara following behind.

 

Kara had been here many times, but this time it felt so weird, so different. Even when they had a fight, Kara never felt so out of place. She had thought Lena would be hostile and distant but Lena greeted her the same, and it made Kara wonder if this was the last time they met.

 

“Have you eaten anything yet?” Lena asked out of courtesy. It sounded unfamiliar to Kara. Lena definitely knew Kara had eaten something. “I mean, do you want to eat anything? I have fruits and cakes.”

 

“It’s fine. I already ate.” Kara stood idly in the living room, not daring to sit down. It didn’t feel natural anymore to be herself around Lena. She had been hiding her feelings for so long, she wasn’t used to this. “I’ll take water.”

 

“Make yourself at home,” Lena suggested. Kara approached the kitchen to pick a spot for herself and sat down. She watched as Lena poured water into two glasses. Her mind swirled around the subject they would talk about.

 

Kara felt a little light-headed when she imagined the talk. Everything had always been so easy between them, except for this. The only time that they talked less than friends was when Kara told Lena about James.

 

Kara knew James was Lena’s soulmate. Lena texted her a few days after that magical moment. Lena was enchanted by the world, and for that, Kara found it more natural to hide her aching heart. Kara was sure that James would make her friend happy.

 

But the years went by, Kara couldn’t stay by that thought. Lena didn’t laugh as much as before. Kara tried to make her happy inside the territory of a friend, and it was working well. She always asked herself why the universe would make James Lena’s soulmate if they didn’t make each other happier. And she wondered if the universe was giving her a chance.

 

That thought was discarded as quickly as they came. Kara treated it the same way she treated any lingering hope involved Lena Luthor: unwanted. Did she want to be with Lena? Of course, she did. Did she want to be the person whom Lena returned to everyday? Absolutely. Did she want to be the reason for Lena’s smile every morning when she woke up? Like a dream.

 

Did she want Lena to love her back?

 

Deep inside her heart, she wanted that too. But her logical mind prevented her from thinking about it. It was a big wish, the heavenly kind. It would be incredibly great to have Lene more than friends, even if she had been just a friend for over a decade.

 

“So, what do you want to talk about?” Kara started the conversation, wrapping her hands around the glass to have something to do during the wait.

 

Lena sat down across the kitchen island and took a deep breath before softly answered, “I want to talk about what you told me the other night.”

 

Kara closed her eyes, mentally embracing her mind. Then she slowly opened them to face the end. “Okay, tell me.”

 

“I’m sorry for the way I behaved,” Lena said, her voice drooped. Kara met her eyes carefully, as if she was afraid she would find pity. But she only found regret. “I shouldn’t have acted like that. I hurt your feelings and I’m really sorry.”

 

The words sounded so distant with Kara. She didn’t need an apology, she needed something else. She wanted to hear about Lena’s feelings. Kara stared at Lena with a calm look and replied, “It was my fault. We’re friends. I should never have told you how I feel. You’re put in a tough spot because of it and I’m sorry. I won’t repeat the same mistake again.”

 

The end of her apology created a silence. Kara held her eyes at Lena, trying to give the most mature and appropriate response to save their friendship. Lena was looking back at her the same way, but she seemed sad. _Why?_

 

Lena took in a deep breath. “It’s not a mistake, Kara. At least you had the courage to express your feelings.”

 

It sounded like a compliment, but in Kara’s ears, it was only a pitiful pat on the shoulder. She crouched down a little to make herself smaller. “It makes things weird between us now. How would you want to spend time with me if you know I - _you know_.” Kara didn’t even want to repeat the sentence because she couldn’t handle another expected rejection, no matter how careful Lena might be.

 

“It won’t be weird,” said Lena with certainty.

 

“How?”

 

“Because I have something to tell you too.”

 

Kara held her eyes with Lena, watching the lovely face with caution. She protected her heart with everything she had and tried her best not to predict what Lena would say. “I’m listening.”

 

“I love you, too.”

 

Time stopped. The world went on a halt. The only thing in Kara’s mind was Lena. The words she never expected to hear from Lena were now said. At first, she didn’t think she got it right. She took a moment to readjust her own sitting stance and asked, “What?”

 

Lena’s face brightened up with a blush. “i just said I love you too.”

 

Kara gulped, not putting hopes up. “As friends?”

 

A soft chuckle echoed from Lena’s lips. “Yes, but more too. As in _love_ love.”

 

What was said seemed clear, but Kara still needed to be sure. “Best friend love?”

 

Lena almost rolled her eyes with a smile. “No, silly. Yes, I’m your best friend and I love you like that.” She paused, then taking another breath. “I’m also in love with you too, Kara.”

 

Kara gasped. She looked to a side, and back at Lena, then opened her mouth because she wanted to say something, but no words came out. She was stunned.

 

Those were the words she never dreamed to hear. They answered her aching question and they should be healing her. But somehow she didn’t feel healed. She didn’t feel happy, or glad, or anything exciting. It troubled her that she didn’t feel what she was supposed to feel.

 

Instead, she felt sad. Disappointed. Angry. Lena was looking at her with an affectionate gaze but it only fueled the burning fire inside Kara’s stomach.

 

“You must be kidding me,” Kara muttered, couldn’t muster up a soft smile to return the woman whom she loved to the death.

 

“I’m not. I’m telling you the truth.” Lena reached out with one hand, wanting to touch Kara’s cheek but Kara hopped off the chair. She stared at Lena as if she couldn’t stand being close to Lena. “Kara? Are you okay?”

 

Kara chuckled dryly, giving Lena a sarcastic answer, “Hell yeah. The girl I love just said she loved me too. Why wouldn’t I be okay?”

 

Lena blinked a few times, the joy left her face. “You seem mad.”

 

“I _am_ mad,” Kara huffed, gritting her teeth and stepping away. “What do you expect I’d feel?”

 

Lena fiddled her hands, moving away from behind the table but not approaching Kara. “I thought you would be happy to know that I love you too.”

 

Lena didn’t get it, and that fact made Kara even more annoyed. She crossed her arms in a defensive posture. With hands balling into a fist, Kara was trying to keep her cool. “How long have you been in love with me?”

 

Lena shrugged, grabbing her own hands back and forth. “Since forever.”

 

Kara let out a short laugh. “Bullshit.”

 

“It’s true,” Lena whined, her hands fiddled faster. Kara knew that Lena was being really flustered but at the moment she was too mad to care.

 

“Do you know how you make me feel right now?” Kara said through gritted teeth. “All these years I have done my best to not cross any line and stay being just friends with you. I couldn’t dare to love you more than I should because I am not your soulmate.” Her eyes stung, tears began to form. She stepped back, making more space between them.

 

“It doesn’t matter, Kara,” Lena replied softly.

 

“It does.” Kara heard her voice shaking. She was about to cry any minute now, but she still had to tell Lena. All of the repressed feelings that she had been keeping deep inside her heart came flooding out with the frustration pounding against her chest. “I have given up on you, Lena. I have no hope for us. I do not chase after you anymore. I just - I gave up. This world decides that we are not soulmates.”

 

Lena’s lips thinned. Her friend gulped hard and then asked, “Then why did you tell me you loved me?”

 

“I couldn’t take it anymore.” Kara blinked, and the tears fell. “Fifteen years. I have been in love with you for a decade and a half. My love for you is a teenager now. And that kid is a rebel.” She chuckled bitterly at the weird metaphor she made it herself. “I don’t know what to do sometimes, when you’re right next to me, being as loveable as you are. It hurts to love you but I can’t do it differently. I was born to love you.”

 

The green eyes looking at Kara began to get teary. Lena quickly wiped the tear away. “I thought you said you weren’t my soulmate.”

 

“It doesn’t matter to me. I never have to worry about what the universe tells me remember?” Kara sighed, pointing at her eyes. “But it matters to you. James is your soulmate. You have to be with him. That was what you told me when you saw colors for the first time.”

 

“I don’t love him!” Suddenly, Lena raised her voice. Then she repeated it softly. “I don’t love him.”

 

“You love me,” Kara responded dryly. “Even when I’m not your soulmate?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“And you wouldn’t have told me if I never said anything, right?”

 

The question seemed to put a dot into their conversation. Lena didn’t wipe her eyes anymore, only staring at Kara. She didn’t even answer the question, but her lack of response was answering enough.

 

Kara nodded surely, then turned around and headed for the door. Her hand gripped on the handle for a moment too long before she turned to say over her shoulder.

 

“It took me a long time to accept that you were not mine to dream about. You just erased all of it. Thanks. Good night.”

 

And she left.

 

______

 

Lena couldn’t sleep. She couldn’t rest for days. Her chest always felt like it was carrying a giant weight. It hurt and then it numbed for a moment just to hurt again.

 

The worst thing was not even her pain. It was what she had caused Kara. Lena couldn’t even dare to think about the way Kara had looked at her before she left. Her friend looked absolutely exhausted and broken. Lena knew it was her fault.

 

It might sound weird at first to think that way, but Kara truly deserved to know Lena’s feelings sooner. _Much_ sooner. Lena had known about her feelings for a long time and she had kept it away from Kara, which would also be a lie.

 

They had promised each other to stay honest no matter what, and Lena had broken that promise. She felt horrible, guilty, and most of all, she knew that something had been destroyed between her and Kara.

 

Lena knew how she had reacted to Kara’s confession. She treated it like a crime, and even if she didn’t mean to make Kara feel bad, she already did. No apology or even a thousand times of ‘I love you’s would save it. She had lost her chance.

 

She owed Kara so much more than an apology. And she had no idea how to make it right.

 

So many times she wanted to text Kara to say how sorry she was, but then it seemed like she was just trying too hard. Kara would need some space to digest the information. The problem was how long. Lena had no idea either.

 

But Lena wanted Kara. Never before had she ever been so sure about it. The desire could lay low in her mind for such a long time but now she had accepted it. From now on, it would stay in front of her eyes forever.

 

It hurt Lena so badly, though, knowing that she could have done something about this, but now things had happened. Kara slowly slipped through her fingers like the sand.

 

_“It took me a long time to accept that you were not mine to dream about. You just erased all of it.”_

 

Lena could even recall the weight of those words exactly like how Kara had said it. Needless to say, Kara had gotten tired of the supposedly one-way love and of course, she had given up. Lena should not be wishing that Kara would hold on to it any longer, and she never blamed Kara for letting go. It must hurt really bad. No matter how much it pained Lena right now, Kara had gone through this for years.

 

Fifteen years…

 

Lena dried the silent tear threatening to fall in her left eye. She dabbed the makeup on, covering the bags under her eyes. She had no idea why she was wearing makeup after she had lost the ability to see colors, perhaps she was doing it out of habits.

 

When she picked up the lipstick, her hand paused. It was Kara’s gift for her birthday last year. _‘You look good with this color’_ , said Kara and Lena believed it with her entire heart. She never told Kara about losing her colorful world because she was embarrassed. She didn’t know the cause, so she assumed it was the way the universe was punishing her for not being happy with her designated soulmate.

 

She made James unhappy. She made Kara unhappy. Who else would be next?

 

Finishing up with the usuals, Lena left home to go to work. The day was slow, too slow, but at least she had something to think about instead of brooding.

 

Alex, however, didn’t let her do it in peace.

 

_“You, me, lunch.”_

 

Lena could only roll her eyes before telling Alex that she would meet her at their favorite shop. Alex had already sat at a table when Lena walked through the door frame.

 

“How was your talk with Kara?” Her best friend went straight into the subject right after Lena ordered her lunch.

 

“Can we not talk about it?” Lena avoided looking at Alex. Her eyes glued at the tiny flower pot on the table.

 

Alex’s sigh was audible. “Lena, I just want to know how she took it.”

 

The concern made Lena worried. “Why? Did she say something?”

 

“No. That’s why I’m asking you.”

 

Lena scratched her neck and admitted. “She took it badly. She wasn’t even glad. I shouldn’t have told her anything.”

 

“That’s strange.”

 

“No, it’s not. Alex, I have kept it a secret to her for years. It’s the biggest lie!” Lena sighed into her hands. “She would never forgive me.”

 

The pause stretched for a moment before Alex spoke again. “Three years ago, when you canceled the wedding, she came to me.”

 

Lena sat straight and crouched forward a bit. “Really? What did she say?”

 

“She mostly cried.” Alex said with a pitiful look at Lena. “Repeating over and over _‘I have to give up’_. Then she started going out with new people.”

 

Lena remembered that time. It hurt every time Kara introduced a new girlfriend or boyfriend, and Lena felt so bad because she actually was glad those relationships never lasted over a month. Lena knew she was being selfish, so she tried to stay in her lane and never spoke a word about those people.

 

“I broke her,” Lena muttered, trying not to wince because it would make her cry on the spot.

 

Alex didn’t comment on that, instead, she added, “Do you think you can fix this?”

 

“I don’t know.” Lena choked up a bit but continued to answer. “I don’t think Kara wants me anymore.”

 

Kara’s sister blinked a few times and slammed on the table, startling Lena. “What? You’re going to give up? Just like that?”

 

“I-”

 

“Kara has been in love with you ever since she met you, Lena.” Alex stood up from her chair, towering over Lena with her height. “And even though you made her think there was no chance, she still loved you for years! Kara has been fighting for you just to be your friend. Now I think it’s time for you to fight for her.”

 

Lena froze for a moment, then she spoke. “I don’t think I deserve to be her friend anymore.”

 

Alex grunted, looming over with a steely stare in her eyes. “Cut the crap with your insecurities. Did you hear Kara complain? If you think you don’t deserve to be Kara’s friend, then make yourself worthy! You are better than this, Lena. You never complained even when you overworked yourself that Kara found you unconscious. You never complained when you took care of both Kara and Winn being sick even though you were having a fever yourself. You can do this!”

 

Lena took in every word and a deep breath. “I can do this. I can fix this.”

 

“Yes!” Alex sounded relieved. “You definitely can.” She sat down with a smile.

 

Lena nodded and threw Alex a curious glance. “You’re so invested in this.”

 

Her best friend chuckled, rubbing her nose. “I always love seeing you two together, even just as friends. And you mean a lot to Kara, which is why I don’t want her to lose you.” Alex grinned. “It’s what big sisters do.”

 

Lena took a pause before responding. “Kara means a lot to me too.”

 

“Then show her.”

 

________

 

Kara was zipping up her jacket in the employee room when she heard a familiar voice from behind. Winn walked in with the phone in by his ear.

 

“Hey, Kara, wanna go have some drinks?”

 

She debated with herself on the options before politely declining. “I think I’ll just head home today.”

 

“We haven’t hung out for weeks. Mike is out of town and I’m _lonely_.” Winn whined with a pout. “Just one drink between best friends. Then I’ll let you go. Okay?”

 

Kara clicked her tongue and reconsidered her answer. Eventually, she smiled. “One drink.”

 

It didn’t stop at one drink. Kara was already on her second glass while she was listening to Winn talking about how he was waiting for Mike to pop the question but his boyfriend never got the hints.

 

“I dramatically awed at married couples. I took him to a wedding cake shop on weekends. I even asked him the ‘would you get a pet if we marry?’ stuff. Nothing works on Mike!” Winn chugged down his fourth glass. “It’s like his brain blocks out everything wedding-related. So frustrating!”

 

Kara chuckled softly and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Here’s a crazy idea. Why don’t you propose him instead?” She faked a gasp after the question to make it sound like an ingenious idea.

 

Winn rolled his eyes. “I thought about it, but I'm afraid he isn’t into commitments.”

 

“How is that even possible? You two have been together for four years. Not to mention you are soulmates.” Kara laughed at the ridiculous thought.

 

“Well, Mike always tells me he hates going with traditions. Soulmates having to be together kind of stuff. But I don’t see anything wrong with it.”

 

Kara thought about Lena and James. They were soulmates too but look at them now. “I think if it comes to marriage, it has to be about how you feel about each other, not about whether or not you are each other’s soulmate.”

 

Winn threw her a look. Then he grinned. “You’re right. Not like Mike would be with anyone else but me, right?”

 

The slurring words of a mildly drunken man still caused a jab at Kara’s chest. These days had been pretty tough on her and she was only feeling a little better when her brain was compromised with a little alcohol, but now she was suddenly sober again.

 

She hadn’t heard anything from Lena. Of course. Lena usually wouldn’t reach out first. Come to think of it, it was always Kara who apologized, called, texted, basically did the reaching out to secure their friendship. The other night when Lena called, Kara didn’t realize it was the first time ever Lena reached out after a fight.

 

And Lena told her that she loved her too.

 

Kara was no longer mad. She was only sad and disappointed. She wasn’t mad that Lena didn’t tell her sooner, but the fact that Lena reacted strongly when Kara slipped up and that Lena would never tell her if Kara never said anything.

 

She used to want Lena so much. Too much that it hurt her every day. Then she tried not to want Lena anymore, hoping that it would make her feelings fade. And for a long time, she had gotten used to not having any chance. So now when the door suddenly opened, she didn’t know what to feel.

 

It was like being played by the universe.

 

Kara wondered how much love Lena had for her and how much love the universe had put in Lena’s heart for James. She wondered if Lena’s feelings for her was what standing in Lena’s true love’s way. How should she even feel about that?

 

She heard stories about people who lost their soulmate, then they tried to move on. Some succeeded, some didn’t. One thing for sure, their soulmate always stayed on top. The others could never be as good as that.

 

Kara didn’t want to compare between her and James, but she knew she understood Lena much better, and she knew how to make Lena feel better. Sometimes, she got petty and told herself that she should be Lena’s soulmate, not James. Then she regained her senses and mentally slapped herself for thinking so selfishly. She wanted Lena, but Lena didn’t want her.

 

Well, at least that was how she thought.

 

“Lena told me she loved me,” Kara blurted out.

 

Winn’s head was bouncing along with the music, suddenly stopped. He turned to her with wide eyes. “Did I hear that right? She’s _what_?”

 

“She said she was in love with me,” Kara repeated with a sigh.

 

Picking up his jaws, Winn scooted closer to Kara. “Since when?”

 

“Since forever. That’s what she told me.”

 

“You don’t believe her?”

 

“Of course, I do. It’s just really hard to do that after I accidentally confessed my feelings. And now she just decides to tell me?” Kara huffed with annoyance. “Is she pitying me?”

 

Her best friend gasped. “No way. Hey, you are loveable as fuck, Kara. I’m sorry but if Lena doesn’t appreciate you enough, it’s her loss! She isn’t pitying you.”

 

“How can you tell?” Kara rolled her eyes. “Imagine knowing Mike for fifteen years as friends and one day he says he has been in love with you for that long. Wouldn’t you be filled with a little bit of pity for him?”

 

Winn’s lips thinned. Her friend was thinking hard about this. Then he spoke surely, “No. It’s not something to take pity for. I would feel honored to be loved so devotedly. I would admire him for having the courage to love someone without expecting something in return for years.” Kara’s eyes began to feel sore. Winn raised one hand to wipe away the tear by her eye. “I would do my best to let him know that his feelings are very appreciated.”

 

Kara swallowed down the knot in her throat. A sad smile crept onto her lips. “Mike is such a lucky guy.”

 

Winn chuckled, then flicked Kara’s forehead. She winced in pain but he only laughed. “No, in this case, _I’m_ the lucky one.”

 

Kara wondered if Lena felt like that. Her initial reaction screamed the other way, though. For the first time since forever, she couldn’t get Lena.

 

It was both funny and sad, to be blindsided like this. But Kara wanted to know anyway.

 

Kara kept staring at her phone on the cab ride. Her thumb hovered above Lena’s name for quite some time before she eventually put the phone away. She just had a few drinks, so her judgment might not be good right now. It made sense like that, but Kara felt like she was just looking for excuses to not contact Lena even though she desperately missed her.

 

She tipped the driver generously, then walked into the building and took the elevator ride up to her apartment. The doors opened when she was halfway through a yawn. She wasn’t even tired, but alcohol made her a tad sleepy.

 

 _Ding._ Kara walked out of the elevator car and headed straight to her door. Her steady footsteps came to a halt when her blurry eyes caught the sight of someone who had always been in her heart.

 

Lena turned to face Kara completely, nervously adjusting her bag on the shoulder. Kara didn’t take a further step. She mind was still trying to explain why she saw Lena there.

 

“Hey, Kara.” Lena started awkwardly. “You’re back late today.”

 

Kara waved her hands around because her limbs felt extra suddenly. “I was out drinking with Winn.”

 

“Are you drunk?” Lena’s voice was deep with concerns. Kara’s heart tingled when she realized that.

 

“No. I was tipsy at the bar, but now I’m soberer.” Kara jerked her thumb over the shoulder. “I took a cab anyway, so don’t worry.”

 

“I know. You’re very responsible.” Lena smiled. The gestured spilled warmth all over the hall and Kara’s heart started beating a bit faster. _Damn it, I thought I was over this._

 

“Why are you here?” Kara spat out a bit too coldly as she looked away from Lena’s face. She didn’t want to have her heart melted so soon, so easily. Like always.

 

“I want to see you.” Without looking, Kara could tell that Lena’s smile faded. She heard it clearly, and she felt bad. “I want to save our friendship.”

 

Kara met Lena’s eyes after a few seconds. She observed Lena carefully. “Our friendship is fine.”

 

“Is it?” Lena snapped back. The sudden change of pace caused the mood of the conversation to shift into a paused. Kara crossed her arms, waiting. Lena blinked and sighed. “We haven’t talked for days and I miss you.”

 

“I miss you too,” Kara admitted, “but to be honest, I don’t know how to face you again. I never meant to tell you how I feel.”

 

The pause happened again, this time shorter. Lena shrugged, defeated. “Me neither.”

 

“If you told me because you felt bad-” Kara continued but Lena raised a hand to stop her.

 

“I didn’t tell you because I felt bad. Please know that.” Lena took one step forward, and then two. “I told you because I wanted you to know. You deserved to know but I was a coward. I guess your confession was the catalyst for me to finally have enough courage and confess too.”

 

Lena stopped when she finished her line. Kara took a quiet breath and spoke. “You always made sure I knew we couldn’t be. Now you say you love me. I honestly have no idea what you want.”

 

The pain on Lena’s face caused Kara’s chest to twist, but she held her stance. It had gotten a lot heavier between them lately, and Kara couldn’t help feeling tired. She had told herself to stop chasing after Lena, but somehow her heart still held hope. It was this thin string of hope that kept Kara in misery, joy, and something in between.

 

“I just want you back,” Lena said, her voice choked up. Tears slowly ran down her cheeks. “I don’t care if I can never be with you. It’s my fault. But you are my best friend, Kara. I can’t lose you.”

 

The desperation in Lena’s tone gripped around Kara’s throat and it squeezed some tears out from her eyes too. She sucked in a sharp breath, wiping away the blurry vision. Taking a steady step forward, Kara held her gaze with Lena’s. How could it hurt so much to be closer to the person she loved more than her life?

 

“You won’t lose me. You’re still my best friend.” Kara halted right in front of Lena and placed a hand on her friend’s cheek, the thumb brushing away the sorrow streaming down her face. “I love you more than anything, and I’m really happy that you love me back. But it’s just too much for me right now.”

 

Lena gasped softly, nodding in Kara’s palm. She turned and placed a kiss inside the hand, sending a wave of warmth dancing on Kara’s skin. It coiled down into a gut-wrenching tornado deep in Kara’s stomach. When their eyes found each other again, Lena whispered with a faint smile. “We’ll be okay again, right?”

 

“Eventually, we will.”

 

When Kara watched Lena walk away that night, the weight that had always been on her chest suddenly felt a lot lighter. The past few weeks had been a rollercoaster ride for her and Lena, but she supposed it was justified by the way both of them hid their feelings away. She didn’t know what would happen next to them, but at the moment, she would just stay focus on being Lena’s friend again.

 

Like she had always been doing.


	2. Mad About You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara and Lena's friendship after the impact of their confessions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go. I need another chapter to actually have everything I planned out fully.

It had been a month and two days since Lena last stood in front of Kara’s apartment and poured her heart out to beg for another chance with Kara. Yes, Lena counted. Every day after that encounter, she paid extra attention to everything that happened between her and Kara. Lena needed to make sure that nothing went wrong again.

 

They had brunch twice. The first time was interrupted because Kara had an urgent to take care of. She said to Lena over and over that she would love to have brunch another time right before leaving. Lena wanted to repeat right away, but then her work got heavy and they barely met again. Not until two days ago, when they had the time for brunch again.

 

Kara looked a bit thinner. Her smile was tired, but her voice was full of excitement. Lena learned later on that Kara had just gotten a promotion. It got Lena so happy that she charged forward to hug Kara, but she felt her friend became tense so she let go right away. The rest of the brunch was mostly about their plan for the weekend. When Lena said she didn’t have something interesting to do, Kara immediately invited her to the usual game night.

 

_“Is it okay with you?” Lena asked carefully._

 

_“Why not? We haven’t done that in a while. Mom and Alex would love to talk to you.”_

 

Lena took a deep breath before pressing the doorbell. Game nights were always an intimate activity and Lena was usually invited. That was until the fateful movie night two months ago. Lena had missed eight game nights so far and she didn’t plan to miss more.

 

The door opened and revealed a smiling Eliza. Kara’s mom spread her arms with a welcoming greeting and pulled Lena in for a tight hug. Lena retreated one hand from the box she was holding to wrap around Eliza’s back.

 

“I’ve missed you, Lena.” Eliza cooed slightly by Lena’s ear. “So good to see you again!”

 

Lena sent a shy smile when the hug ended and greeted back the kind woman with a hint of regret in her voice. “Me too. I’m sorry I haven’t been to game nights lately.”

 

Eliza waved her hand. “Oh, Kara told me that you’ve been very busy. It’s alright, dear. Come in!”

 

The joy in Eliza’s voice made Lena think that she wasn’t aware of the exact reason of Lena’s absence. It sent relief through her chest because she wouldn’t want Eliza to think the friendship between Kara and her was complicated.

 

Besides the fact that it actually was complicated. They were still friends, of course, but being aware of how the other felt about you suddenly put the friendship into a whole other level.

 

Alex was sitting on the couch, arranging the game board. She looked up and gestured Lena to sit next to her. Lena looked around before settling down and asked her best friend. “Where is Kara?”

 

“She’s getting pizzas. Winn and Mike would be here soon.” Alex pointed at the box of wine Lena brought and smirked. “It’s game night, not wine night, Lena.”

 

Her cheeks felt hot a bit as she clutched the box tighter. “Well, I’m not sure what to bring.”

 

“You don’t have to bring anything, you know that,” Alex smiled.

 

Lena sighed, nodding. “Yes, but I haven’t been here in a while and it feels weird to just come empty-handed.”

 

Alex gripped her shoulders tightly. “Hey, it’s fine. I bet Kara would love everything you bring because…” she arched an eyebrow suggestively, “...you know, she loves you.”

 

Lena could tell that the blush expanded on her face. She bit her lip and stood up. “Okay, I’ll put this in the kitchen.” She wanted to step away from the knowing grin on Alex’s face. Even after learning about Kara’s feelings and confessing her own, Lena was still not used to this.

 

It felt being seen through, and Lena wasn’t too comfortable with that. For years, she had been hiding her feelings, she was so familiar with walking among people and having her mind to herself. Now, there were only Alex and Kara who knew about her feelings, and Lena already felt so naked that she wanted to run away.

 

The door opened again and Kara walked in, carrying a stack of pizza boxes. “Food is here!” she declared and set the pizzas down. Her smile froze a bit when her eyes found Lena. “Lena, you came.”

 

Letting out a shy chuckle, Lena pushed a strand of her hair behind her ear. “Of course, I’d come.”

 

The smile appeared on Kara’s lips again. “Yeah, I’m glad. Welcome.” Her eyes darted down on Lena’s clothes. “You look nice.”

 

Lena glanced down as well and responded, “Thanks. You look nice, too.”

 

“What? I’m just in my sweater and pants,” Kara laughed. Lena missed the sound so much it made her eyes a bit stung.

 

“Still really cute,” Lena honestly admitted. It was the truth. Kara looked good in almost everything. Except for the dino-fish T-shirt that Lena stole from a shop as a dare and gave it to Kara because she ripped her own.

 

“Really?” Kara giggled.

 

“Yeah.”

 

They didn’t say anything more, just stood and looked at each other and smiled. Lena didn’t realize it until she heard the sound of clearing throats from both Eliza and Alex to snap out of the shared gaze with Kara. Embarrassed, Lena stepped away to create more distance with Kara and turned around to find an amused Alex. _Don’t,_ she mouthed a warning and her friend raised two hands in a backing-off manner.

 

She wanted to do something to be useful but the games were arranged, the food didn’t need much to prepare and there was absolutely nothing to busy herself with. Lena ended up standing by the window and watched the city lights. It was loud outside, and because the window couldn’t hold back every sound, Kara’s apartment seemed always alive.

 

It was different from Lena’s apartment. She lived on a higher floor and her side of the city was more tranquil than downtown. It made her feel calmer, but also more alone. It wasn’t out of nowhere that Lena enjoyed staying in Kara’s apartment more than hers. Lena had almost forgotten how it felt to be inside the muffled gentle sound of the city. You would feel involved with the world but also you had your own space. It was a solid and safe feeling for Lena.

 

“How have you been?” Kara’s voice rang from behind. Lena turned around and found her friend holding two glasses of wine. Kara gave Lena one glass and joined her on the other side of the window frame.

 

“I’ve been good. You?” Lena sipped the wine and licked the scent from the ridge of her lip as her eyes caught how both of the sides on Kara’s face were lit up by both sides of the world, outside and inside. Too bad that she couldn’t see a clear difference. They were all shades of gray to her, but beautiful nevertheless.

 

“I’ve been great, too. Work’s been cramping up my neck but it’s nice to be busy.” Kara grinned, shrugging slightly. The smile faded a bit as if she was thinking, then Kara continued. “It’s good to have you back here on game night.”

 

“I’ve missed it,” Lena admitted, turning her gaze toward Alex and Eliza on the couch. “It’s been so long.”

 

“I’ve missed you, too.”

 

Lena looked at Kara. She felt her chest tightened up at the sentiment in Kara’s voice. Lena only said she missed the game night but Kara went straight to admit she missed Lena. Usually, Lena would have thought it was Kara’s way to express herself and not thought much on it. Now she knew how Kara felt, the words carried more weight. “Good thing you invited me then.”

 

Kara replied with a soft frown. “You’ve never been uninvited.”

 

Before Lena had the chance to say anything more, the doorbell rang and Kara left the spot to get it. Winn and Mike walked in and hugged Kara tightly, then Eliza and Alex. Lena waited on the side until Winn caught her eyes and pulled her into a hug too.

 

“So good to see you!” Winn exclaimed and tapped on his boyfriend’s shoulder. “Mike’s been blaming me on losing in every game night so tonight, please take him, Lena!”

 

She laughed out loud, hugged Mike and promised that she would be on a team with him. Everyone eventually sat down and began picking up a game. Lena didn’t pay attention to the playing much because she was busy taking in the liveliness of the group and how much she needed this.

 

Sitting alone in her home had put Lena’s mind into a solemn castle of silence, and she would rather leave it any time she wanted. Her heart always brought her to Kara, wherever Kara was. Mostly, it would be Kara’s apartment.

 

On this very couch was where Kara confessed her feelings and the dynamic of their friendship changed ever since. Lena could still hear the sound of those three words, and she was sure that she would hear it forever.

 

The night went by rather quickly. Lena had fun, but the thing that lingered in her mind was how Kara seemed to keep a distance from her. It was only a gut feeling, but when she noticed that Kara switched her seat with Alex so she would sit further away from her, Lena understood the message.

 

Kara might have invited Lena to the game night and talked to her, but deep down, she wasn’t completely comfortable with Lena’s presence. Painful, yes, but that was how it was right now. Lena couldn’t expect things to be the way it was right away. Or ever.

 

Everyone left after ten, there was only Kara, Lena, and Eliza in the apartment. Lena helped with the cleaning up along with Eliza while Kara was putting away the games. They finished everything and stood in the kitchen to enjoy the last of the wine while Kara took the trash out.

 

“How are you, Lena?” Eliza asked. A kind smile spread on her lips.

 

“It’s been fine. Work is still crazy but I manage.” Lena didn’t make a long answer because she didn’t want to spill more information about her broken heart. As good as she was to hide her feelings all those years, Eliza was good at reading people. There were a few times that Eliza said things as she could see through Lena and it was scary.

 

_“You’re like my third daughter, Lena. I know I can’t adopt you, but there are ways, right?”_

 

_“Every time I see Kara in her dino-fish shirt, I remember how cute you two are. A great pair, I might say.”_

 

_“Would it be funny if you are Kara’s soulmate?”_

 

Lena always smiled shyly at her remarks and found a way to dodge them. She had been able to do that for years and now suddenly her ability to keep the truth away reduced. Eliza read people very well, and the fact that she was the person whom Lena usually came to when she was younger only made her power greater.

 

In another word, Lena’s mind was naked in front of Eliza. The ability to see through people was inherited by Kara and Alex, but Kara didn’t know how to work on it because she herself was an open book. Alex, on the other hand, was a detective. Let’s just say that she knew how to milk the ability to the last drop.

 

“You seem a lot happier,” Eliza casually dropped with a smile.

 

“That’s a good thing, right?” Lena chuckled, hiding the doubt in her voice behind the glass.

 

“Of course. It looks good on you.” Eliza set the glass down and leaned against the counter. “But you’re not only happy. You’re calm. Calmer than you have ever been.”

 

Lena’s eyebrows raised quizzically. “I am?”

 

“Yes. I have known you since you were a child, Lena. Even back then, you always seemed to have a mini tornado inside your mind. That tornado ceased now.”

 

The metaphor made Lena smile. She set the glass down to give Eliza her full attention. “Are you analyzing me?”

 

Eliza laughed slightly and placed her glass down as well. “I’m a therapist. You can’t expect me to switch it off.”

 

“How about we talk about something else instead?” Lena swiftly moved the subject away.

 

Eliza gave her an amused look before shrugging. “Of course. But for now, I’ll clean these.” Eliza picked up the glasses and headed to the sink. “Can you put on some music, please?”

 

Lena nodded and walked to Kara’s Bluetooth speaker to turn it on. She pulled her own phone out and connected it with the speaker, then she let a random playlist on. The apartment was filled with the sad piano intro of Mad About You as Lena sat down on the couch.

 

“Oh, I love this song!” Eliza exclaimed, moving slightly to the rhythm. The violin began to join the piano and a sweet voice led the lyrics.

 

_‘Feel the vibe, feel the terror, feel the pain_

_It’s driving me insane_

_I can’t fake_

_For God’s sake why am I driving in the wrong lane.’_

 

The door opened and Kara walked in. Noticing the music, she smiled when her eyes caught Lena’s.

 

_‘Trouble is my middle name but in the end I’m not too bad.’_

 

Kara tilted her head from left to right and walked to Lena to the melody of the song as she mouthed the lyrics.

 

_‘Can someone tell me if it’s wrong to be so mad about you.’_

 

Lena’s heart sank when Kara pointed her fingers at Lena on the last word of the line. The song kept playing the phrase ‘mad about you’ as Kara took Lena’s hands and pulled her to the standing position, then making it like they were dancing.

 

Kara dragged Lena into her spontaneous dance routine a lot as just like many times before, Lena always laughed out loud and then fell into the rhythm too.

 

Kara was taller, so Lena always looked up to find her eyes. She wished she could see colors every time she held her gaze at her friend. Kara was so lively and everything about her made Lena feel energetic. Even when she stood close to Lena, her hands around Lena’s hands, her breath ghosting on the tip of Lena’s lips, she had this calming aura around her that pulled Lena in.

 

The wistful and alluring song wrapped around them, and for a moment, time seemed to stop. Kara’s fingers on the left moved from Lena’s hand to her wrist. The intimate contact drew Lena’s eyes to their hands and then back at Kara again, whose smile had disappeared.

 

Like following an instinct, Lena led that hand to Kara’s face, then slid it toward the nape of her neck. Kara moved closer, her warmth radiated against Lena's chest. Feeling bold, Lena heaved Kara’s head down a little until their foreheads met.

 

_‘Are you the fishy wine that will give me headache in the morning_

_Or just the dark blue land mine that will explode without a decent warning.’_

 

Kara’s head tilted to a side, her hot breath fanning on Lena’s cheekbone. Lena’s heart sped up, being aware of the desire between them, but she was nervous. Lena had no idea what to do next. If Kara wanted to kiss her, she wouldn’t hesitate to respond. But she didn’t know for sure if Kara wanted it, or if she should initiate.

 

_‘Give me all your true hate and I’ll translate it in our bed_

_Into never seen passion, never seen passion_

_That is why I am so mad about you.’_

 

After a few seconds too long, Kara gulped, her grip on Lena’s wrist stayed awkwardly there before moving away. She stepped back, leaving Lena in the lack of heat. The desire was dropped from Lena’s head to the pit of her stomach.

 

“This is a good song,” Kara commented with an innocent smile, moving her shoulders along with the very last notes of the sound.

 

Lena realized her hand was still on Kara’s neck, she quickly withdrew it with embarrassment. The closeness from before disappeared like it never came. The sense of shyness came over Lena when she mumbled back an uninteresting reply. “Yeah.”

 

“Fruits, anyone?”

 

The footsteps from the kitchen alerted Eliza’s presence. Lena let out a relief huff. She had just forgotten about Eliza. Maybe it was better that Kara had pulled back. Lena didn’t want Eliza to catch them swaying to the music. They hadn’t kissed or done anything unexplainable, still, it was an exposure of Lena’s feelings and she didn’t want anyone else to know about it.

 

Lena excused herself to leave sooner than she planned to because she could see how Kara avoided her eyes while they all sitting in the living room to watch the news. Kara walked with her to see her off, but she didn’t say anything after they stepped through the door frame.

 

Standing in the elevator in the awkward silence, Lena felt like she was suffocated. She wished Kara had stayed in the apartment instead. Her friend stayed quiet and kept a distance. She didn’t show, but Lena knew her well, and she understood the message.

 

___

  


“Look, if it’s uncomfortable for you, I won’t come to game nights.”

 

Kara stopped on her track and stared at Lena. What her friend just said was not something she saw coming and the only thing she could reply with was, “What?”

 

Lena sighed next to her. They were standing outside of the building, waiting for Lena’s ride. The smoke forming around Lena’s face illuminated the crooked smile on her lips. Her green eyes caught Kara’s gaze. “Don’t worry. I will come again when you’re completely fine with my presence.”

 

“I am fine with your presence,” Kara stated clearly, shoving her hands into the pockets of her sweatpants. “Where do you even get the idea that I’m not?”

 

“Come on, Kara. You avoided me the whole game night.”

 

Kara rolled her eyes. “We played poker. I had to avoid you or else you’d find out my cards.”

 

“Then explain what just happened earlier. You sat really far away from me on the couch and even asked your mom to sit between us.” Lena slightly shook her head, adjusting her bag.

 

Kara sensed the heat rushing to her face. “I-I was just trying to make it like before.”

 

“You never had any problem sitting next to me,” Lena shrugged dismissively. “The only explanation is that you’re uncomfortable.”

 

Kara sighed, nodding. “You’re right. I am uncomfortable.”

 

Lena’s mouth froze for a moment before spreading into a sad smile. “See? I won’t come to game nights anymore.”

 

“I never said it was you I’m uncomfortable with.”

 

The atmosphere came to a weird pause. “What do you mean?”

 

Kara grunted and decided to come clean. “I’m uncomfortable with myself.”

 

One of Lena’s eyebrows arched up. “Because?”

 

Kara took a half step away from Lena, trying to shield herself from the direct gaze that was Lena’s eyes. She felt exposed and even though Lena had learned of her feelings, this somehow felt much worse. “Just know that it’s not your fault.”

 

“Well, if it has something to do with me, then it’s my fault,” Lena stubbornly argued. Kara hated it whenever Lena got on her quest to find an answer. Kara could never keep the words to herself in front of Lena.

 

“No. I can’t - no, I _shouldn’t_ be so close to you,” Kara crossed her arms to feel covered. It was embarrassing to say such things. She was so aware of Lena’s presence and Lena’s feelings. It was like torture, knowing everything and enduring the proper nag of boundaries while her body jolted up at everything Lena did. A smile, a peal of laughter or a glance could set Kara on fire. It made her feel like an animal.

 

“Why not?”

 

Lena was so clueless. Kara was irritated by how oblivious Lena was. During the entire night, Kara had to find any excuse to keep a proper distance with Lena. She wouldn’t jump at Lena, especially with everyone around, and she had thought it was fine.

 

Then they danced together. The only thing Kara could think of at the moment was kissing Lena hard, to have the taste from fifteen years ago, to claim Lena. But it was stupid and wrong, so she bit it back. Her mother was still in the room, and Kara supposed it was the reason she could step away. If she was alone with Lena, she wouldn’t know if she had enough strength to retreat.

 

“Because I want you.”

 

Kara looked away after answering. She didn’t dare to face Lena at the moment. Her ears felt like burning because of the embarrassment and her heart sped up against her chest. She wanted to know how Lena react to it, but at the same time, she didn’t know if she should.

 

“Want me?” Lena spoke after the awkward silence. “That means-” The gasp at the end heated up Kara’s face even more.

 

_I sound like a perv. Great._

 

Kara turned to Lena, at the same time stepped a little further away from her friend. She didn’t want Lena to get the idea that she would come at her at any minute. “Just forget it.”

 

“Hey, it’s fine,” Lena tilted her head, an empathetic smile appeared on her face. It was dark, but Kara saw the blush on her cheeks. “It’s normal.”

 

Kara’s eyes froze on Lena’s face for a moment before she blinked away the confusion. “Excuse me? Normal?”

 

Lena half-rolled her eyes, an amused grin spread on her lips. “It’s not strange to feel that way around the person you love. They’re very flattered to hear.”

 

Kara laughed and shook her head. “Don’t talk about yourself in the third person like that.”

 

Lena hummed, then squinting her eyes with mischief. “Do you prefer ‘I’m flattered that you’re horny around me’?”

 

Gasping out loud, Kara turned her face away. “Okay, shut up.” The embarrassment had now become a part of Kara. Her feet even felt that heat already.

 

Lena’s laughter sounded light next to her. “Don’t worry. I don’t mind.”

 

Kara let out a chuckle. She didn’t know if ‘I don’t mind’ a good response to someone saying they got hot and bothered around you but she supposed it wasn’t too bad. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now please stop talking about it. Your ride is here.”

 

A taxi slowly came to approach. Lena stepped forward to grab the handle to the door. Her friend climbed into the vehicle and rolled the window down. “Thank you for game night.”

 

Kara crouched down a little and let the heat off her cheeks. “You’re always welcomed.”

 

“Same time next week?”

 

“Yup. And you don’t have to bring anything. Except for potstickers. I always appreciate potstickers.”

 

“Duly noted.” Lena made a salute with her two fingers, then she smirked up at Kara. “Are you sure you can handle being with me in the same room again?”

 

Kara took a long breath and grinned. She couldn’t believe Lena took it so well and even teased her back like this. “I can behave.”

 

“Really?” Lena narrowed her eyes playfully.

 

“What? You don’t want me to?” Kara effortlessly responded, smirking when she realized the embarrassment had disappeared. It felt easy at the moment. Just like before. Her chest felt lighter. The weight had gone.

 

Lena pretended to think before replying, “Do you want me to want you to behave?”

 

“Hey, answering a question with a question is cheating,” Kara softly glared at her friend. They both smiled after that. Kara gently tapped on the hood of the taxi eventually. “Be safe. Text me when you’re home.”

 

“I will. Good night, Kara.”

 

“Good night.”

 

Kara stood and watched as the vehicle drove away, exhaling softly. She had thought the night would end badly or awkwardly but somehow it didn’t and for the first time since weeks, Kara felt like things might turn out not too bad.

 

They text till three in the morning that night.

 

___

  


“Spill.” Lena heard Alex’s demand but pretended to not hear it and continue drinking her coffee. “Don’t ignore me.”

 

“I’m not ignoring you,” Lena casually replied and put the cup down on the table, right next to the dish of her food. “I have no idea what you want me to say.”

 

Alex crouched over to whisper, “What is going on?”

 

“What do you mean?” Lena gave her friend a weird look.

 

Alex arched an eyebrow, prompting Lena with an obvious glance. “You _know_ , you and my sister.”

 

“There’s nothing to talk about. We’re friends and we’re still friends. That’s all.” Lena shrugged innocently.

 

Alex gave her a doubtful look the entire lunch but didn’t ask anything else.

 

___

  


“She shoots!” Kara yelled from behind Lena, making Lena smile wider. The ball rolled steadily from where Lena stood to the targets and it swiftly went through the defense, knocking all of them down. “She scores!”

 

Lena turned around and slammed her hand against Kara’s palm. Kara then handed her the cocktail as a congratulation gift and she took it gratefully. “I’m on a roll today,” she joyfully declared after a sip.

 

“Someone’s spirit is high,” Kara snickered and picked up her ball. “Maybe I can still beat you later on.”

 

Lena stuck out her tongue to tease and retreated back on the couch. She sat down next to Mike, who was still shoving large scoops of ice cream into his mouth. Her eyes followed Kara’s hair down to her shoulders. She held the gaze at the curve on Kara’s hips for a moment when Kara raised the ball close to her face. Kara had a great stance.

 

And butt.

 

Lena bit her lip when she shamelessly glued her eyes at the roundness of Kara’s behind. One hand touched her neck unconsciously, rubbing the burning heat that was forming around her jaws. Lena exhaled heavily when Kara crouched down to throw the ball.

 

“...so I’m considering grill party. What do you guys think?”

 

She turned to Winn after being reminded that she wasn’t sitting alone. Alex was on Winn’s side across the table, scrolling up and down her phone to search for something. “Grill party sounds awesome. I’d make some killer chicken wings,” Lena said, bumping her elbow with Mike.

 

Winn’s long-time boyfriend put up a thumbs-up. “Yes. I miss Lena’s chicken wings. And Alex’s fries. And oh my _god_ , Eliza’s salad!”

 

Alex chuckled, placing down her phone. “What about _your_ specialty, Mike? It’s always you eating what others make.”

 

Mike made solid eye contact with Alex before answering, “Oh, I _do_ have my specialties, just that none of you guys would get to taste.” He turned to Lena with a knowing wink. “Except for my boyfriend, of course.”

 

A train of ews echoed back and forth between Alex and Lena while Winn rolled his eyes even though his cheeks were red. Kara hopped back to the table and snatched a piece of snack from the bowl. “What are you talking about that make Lena and Alex cringe so hard?” she asked through the chewing.

 

Mike opened his mouth to say but Lena answered for him, “It’s just stuff that Winn and Mike should be keeping in their bedroom.”

 

Winn crouched forward to add, “It’s not just in the bedroom, FYI.”

 

Now Kara joined Lena and Alex in their cringe-fest. The day went by rather quickly after that, with the highlight of the discussion about Winn and Mike’s house warming party. It was fun to have another time around the people she cared about.

 

There was something different from the other times. Ever since the moment Kara admitted she had physical feelings for her, Lena couldn’t get it out of her head sometimes. It was better when they were around others, but then there were movie nights. Movie nights with only Lena and Kara.

 

Lena had been teasing with Kara in those nights but honestly, she couldn’t ignore the urge swirling up inside her. Not that she never felt it before but this time it was so strong. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that they were both aware of their feelings, and knowing what kind of desire coming up in Kara’s mind only fueled up Lena’s blood.

 

Exactly like right now, when Lena was waving the cab that took Alex away, she could feel the hot gaze piercing on her back. There was only now Kara left after everyone had gone, and Lena was torn between enjoying this alone time with Kara or dreading it.

 

“Wanna walk with me to the bus stop?” Kara prompted, grinning.

 

“Sure.”

 

They stepped side by side, silent for a while before they came to a red light and had to pause. Kara leaned against the poll with both hands in the jacket’s pockets, one leg hooked on the other’s ankle. Her eyes trailed at something on Lena’s face.

 

“What?” Lena opened the conversation with a smirk.

 

“You’re so beautiful.”

 

Sensing the blush creeping on her face, Lena rolled her eyes playfully. “Flattering won’t get you anywhere.”

 

“I’m not flattering you or trying to get anywhere,” Kara chuckled. “It’s just something I always want to tell you, but I don’t know if I should.”

 

Lena was about to say something teasingly but held her tongue at the end because she caught the serious tone in Kara’s voice. “Well, thank you. I appreciate that.”

 

Kara’s smile brightened up. “It’s green,” she gestured the light. They walked against the night breeze blowing up Lena’s hair. It didn’t take them long to reach the bus stop.

 

“The next bus is in forty minutes,” Lena concluded after reading the bus plan on the wall. A flash of thunder cut across the sky. It started raining. “Great.”

 

“There’s a coffee shop nearby,” Kara checked her watch. “Only two minutes away. We should go there instead of waiting here.”

 

Lena didn’t object. They sat down in the coffee shop not too late after and waited for their order. The rain slapped harshly on the window, trying to mute the soft music played in the background of the shop.

 

“It hasn’t rained like this for months,” Kara commented, clicking her tongue. “Must take a while.”

 

“I don’t mind,” Lena said, setting her jacket aside. “I like the rain.” Kara made a scoffing noise. “What? It’s true.”

 

“You mean you like _seeing_ the rain, not the rain itself. I bet you never tried standing in it.” Kara taunted with a smirk.

 

“Because I don’t want to ruin my jacket. It’s moist sensitive.”

 

Kara gave her a look. “That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard someone say about a jacket.”

 

Lena rolled her eyes and then settled to look at the rain. “But you’re right. I don’t have the urge to soak myself under the pouring rain. I prefer watching it from somewhere warm.”

 

The coffee arrived on time. The waitress hurried to another table right after. The shop was getting more and more crowded because everyone was trying to get away from the rain. Kara took a sip, let out an appreciative sigh.

 

“It’s been a while since we had any coffee together, right?” Kara asked.

 

Lena hummed into her cup and shrugged. “I think so. We’ve been quite busy lately.”

 

“I still come to Noonan’s sometimes,” Kara added, tapping her fingers on the table. “Never run into you there.”

 

Lena sighed, drawing a circle on the wooden surface with her index finger. She had actively avoided going to Noonan’s ever since the fateful movie night and it slowly became something she did unconsciously. “We can drink coffee there again if you want.”

 

“It’s fine. I’m cool with spending time with you. Anywhere would be fine.” Kara smiled, drinking the rest of her coffee in front of Lena’s surprised eyes. She raised her hand to wipe away the milk on her lip but Lena stopped her.

 

“Use this.” Lena offered her handkerchief and Kara took it with a gleeful grin. She half-smiled at the way Kara quickly dabbed against her mouth. “I swear, you’re a toddler sometimes. Who even drinks coffee so quickly?”

 

“You obviously haven’t had a five-minute-break ever. My boss is _nasty_ whenever we have any break at all.” Kara shuddered then grinned. “I’m so glad I got the promotion.”

 

“You earned it.” Lena reached out and touched Kara’s hand. The sudden contact drew Kara’s eyes. Her friend flipped the hand over and their palms caused a small warmth in between. Lena gently squeezed the side of Kara’s hand, adding. “You’ve been working hard.”

 

Kara chuckled softly. Her cold fingers began to wrap around Lena’s hand as well. The contrast between heat and chill sent goosebumps along Lena’s arm up to her jaws. It made Lena want to rub her neck to ease out the alluring sensation forming at her low belly. “Thank you.”

 

Lena lifted her eyes and stared right at Kara. Her friend wasn’t smiling, she was just responding to Lena’s gaze with something unsaid behind the soft frown. That something was mysterious but at the same time as exposed as the sun.

 

_“Because I want you.”_

 

Kara’s words echoed in the back of Lena’s mind. Her own breathing suddenly got slightly heavy, but she gritted her teeth to keep it hidden. She didn’t want Kara to find out the reaction of her body every time she recalled the way Kara said those words.

 

Suddenly, a car honked outside the window. Lena retreated her hand back to her lap like she was burnt. Kara’s eyes widened for a moment before forming a silent smile. She casually leaned back on the chair. “We better get back to the station.”

 

It got Lena quickly finishing her drink and walked out of the shop with Kara. The rain was still heavy and she took the umbrella out of her bag. When she hovered it above her head, she saw that Kara had already stood under the rain.

 

“Hey, get back here!” Lena called out but Kara only spread her arms widely just like her smile.

 

“This is amazing, Lena.” Kara laughed and started running toward the direction of the bus stop.

 

“Not amazing. You’re going to catch a cold.” Lena rushed after her idiotic friend, couldn’t hold the frown on her face because of the running.

 

When she finally caught up to Kara, they were already at the station. Kara’s jacket looked soaking wet, as well as her hair and her pants. “You’re so slow, Lena,” she teased, panting. The smoke from her breathing made a cloud around her face, but the joy was visible.

 

“You’re such an idiot.” Lena stood next to Kara, punching her shoulder. “Now you’re soaking wet.”

 

Kara laughed and crouched to fit Lena’s umbrella. The rainwater dripped from her hair down along her face shape then made drops at her chin. “It was really fun. You should try it.”

 

“No, thank you.” Lena used the sleeve of her jacket to wipe off the water on Kara’s nose. “If we get kicked off the bus, it’s on you.”

 

Her friend snickered gleefully, even though her teeth were dancing. “You don’t have to stick with me if I get kicked off.”

 

“Oh please. You have to be supervised.” Lena pinched Kara’s nose jokingly. “What were you even thinking? You would definitely catch a cold tomorrow.”

 

Kara didn’t retort, only giggled like a kid. Lena’s chest tightened at the sight. It couldn’t be denied how much she loved this girl, and even if it seemed impossible, she actually fell a little bit harder for Kara at this moment. The traffic was forgotten, they were surrounded by the trickling rain. Lena wanted to pull Kara to her just to closer to the source of happiness standing in front of her.

 

She wanted Kara, too.

 

“The bus is here,” Kara said, being the only person between them to actually look for the bus. Lena gulped and turned toward the street, hoping that the cold would erase the trail of the blush on her face.

 

They both got on the bus. Kara received looks from the driver and other passengers but everybody else seemed to get the situation so they moved apart. Lena paid for the tickets and followed Kara to the last row of the seats. Kara didn’t sit down, saving the last seat for Lena. She stood right in front of Lena, holding the poll.

 

“You should take a hot shower as soon as you get home,” Lena advised. Seeing the grin on Kara’s face, Lena added, “I’m serious. You have to take care of yourself.”

 

“Or what?” Kara crouched closer to Lena’s face. “Are you going to force me into the shower?”

 

Lena opened her mouth, a comeback was ready at the tip of her tongue but then she paused. This sentence had something to it. Something more than just their usual teasing. The realization came over her.

 

_Kara’s flirting with me._

 

Sucking in a surprised breath, Lena looked away and pulled back. Instinctively, she brought her hands up to cover her hot cheeks. Seeing how that gesture would expose her, Lena pretended like she had to clear her throat. “I wouldn’t - It’s your body anyway. If you want to get sick, so be it.”

 

There was a gleam of amusement in Kara’s eyes before she stood straight again, standing in a casual way. They didn’t talk after that on the ride, and when most of the people on the bus had gone, their station was the next. Kara walked to the door first, not waiting for Lena.

 

Lena sensed a thin distance between them, but she didn’t know how it happened. Kara faced the door with a calm aura around her, yet Lena felt like she couldn’t approach. The door opened. they both got off the bus.

 

It had stopped raining. Now it was a bit windy. Kara shoved her hands into the jacket pockets while Lena pulled the hoodie up to keep her hair from being blown off at her face.

 

“I guess it’s good night,” Kara said softly, a hint of regret vibrated in her tone.

 

Usually, Lena would never notice it, but now she had learned how Kara felt, she saw it all. The way Kara’s eyes lingered on her, the way Kara’s voice sounded longingly when they had to say goodbye. Everything was screaming for an invitation to stay. Lena took a breath and walked closer to Kara.

 

“Not yet. I want to walk you to your door,” she told Kara.

 

Her friend gave her a surprised look. “Really?”

 

“Why not? You always walk me when I leave your home, right? Now I want to walk you back.”

 

Kara’s lips split into a giant grin. The happiness on her face was so thick and visible, it made Lena feel thrilled. It was like Kara had been waiting for something like this. Lena had been such an idiot, not noticing this before.

 

There was nothing said during the walk, but Lena didn’t feel like she had to speak. Just walking side by side with Kara in the silence, drown in the sound of the city, of the traffic, of the night was enough. Kara was a naturally fast walker, but she kept the pace with Lena tonight, marking the moment even more memorable.

 

“Here we are.” Kara exhaled sharply at the front door of her building. “Now this is really good night.”

 

Lena smiled up at her. Kara’s lips were a bit pale, as far as Lena could tell. If only she could see colors, it would be clearer. “Yes. You should get inside before you freeze up.”

 

“I will,” Kara replied, not turning away. She didn’t even get her key out. Didn’t she want to get into the building? “Be careful on your way back too.”

 

Lena couldn’t pull her eyes away from Kara’s lips. They were trembling. “I know.” She gulped, grazing the lower lip with her teeth. Her eyes lifted up to meet with Kara’s. They were staring at her with such intensity that she had only seen once in her life. It was a night of almost fifteen years ago. “Good night,” she said breathily.

 

Kara gulped, taking a short step to being closer to Lena. The sudden but welcomed approach made Lena’s heart stop, flip, then it thrived on another beat. Her friend slowly tilted her head, bringing her shivering lips to Lena. The hesitation was the only thing that stood between them, and the anticipation was the only thing that stopped Lena from crashing herself against Kara.

 

Lena closed her eyes, waiting. She wanted this. Kara wanted this. They both desired this. It was so obvious, why should she wait? Her heart banged loudly in her ears, welcoming the most anticipated part of her expectations.

 

“Good night.”

 

The greeting from Kara sounded far away. Lena opened her eyes to see that Kara was standing with her back against the door. Her tongue stuck out for a quick lick at her lips, a sign of want. Still, she kept her distance with Lena.

 

Getting the message, Lena looked away and retreated a few steps. Disappointment and shame crept up on her lips, forming a stiff smile. It was clear that Kara wanted this, but Kara didn’t actually _want_ to do this.

 

Not anymore.

 

“See you later,” Lena said quickly and turned around. Her eyes felt stung by the tears and her throat twisted. She didn’t know why she felt like she had been stabbed at the chest, but there was no other way to describe what she was going through.

 

Her feet moved faster, faster, then she was running. She ran away from the person she loved the most because it would hurt less like this.

 

Lena had told Kara that she wouldn’t care if she never got to be with her, but what she had just done was breaking those words. She had been waiting for that kiss. Her stupid hopeful heart still waited for it.

 

_Wake up, Lena. Kara might want you, but she doesn’t want to be with you._

 

Lena stopped right by a tree and dropped down because she couldn’t hold her sobs anymore. Her teeth gritted and she hissed away the hot tears. A guttural cry escaped her throat, but she buried it with her palms. The wind swept by to console her, it seemed, and to remind her that she was out on the street, where her vulnerability could be seen.

 

Lena couldn’t care less right now. She eventually got up, not paying attention to the dirty and muddy clothes. Lena tried to get a taxi and finally got one. The driver was speaking a lot to her, but her ears barely received any word. All she could hear was what she and Kara said to each other, about how important it was to be friends.

 

Maybe it was all just meant to be so. Kara no longer wanted her the same way Lena did. It was tragic, but what else should it be? Lena had already passed up the opportunity the moment she denied her feelings for Kara after their only kiss, and now karma was reaching for her.

 

The black and white scenery outside the window passed by calmly and Lena wondered if it was a sign from the universe, telling her that her world would always be like this, dark and lonely. It was the opposite of Kara’s. How more obvious could it be?

 

___

  


Kara winced when some light was on her face. She rolled over on the bed to hide her face, at the same time exposed her naked back to the light. It felt incredibly warm, soothing and gentle. Letting out a grunt, Kara stretched herself to sit up. Then she flopped back on the bed.

 

The only thing in her mind wasn’t the morning breath or the breakfast, or even putting on a shirt, it was Lena.

 

Lena. Lena. Lena. Lena. Lena. Always Lena.

 

_What happened yesterday?_

 

They hung out with Alex, Winn and Mike, then they came back to their neighborhood on the bus. It rained, they had coffee. Then _something_ just naturally came over them.

 

When Lena touched her hand in the coffee shop, electricity was sent on Kara’s skin. All she wanted at that moment was feeling Lena, every inch of her. The way Lena pulled back right after reminded Kara of the reality. Lena didn’t want it.

 

Still, Kara’s body was like a lump of burning coal. She improvised the cold shower that she could get in that moment by standing in the rain, and soon enough, her heart returned to normal. Then her eyes took in the image of Lena standing with her umbrella under the rain, and her chest burst into tears.

 

It was beautiful. Such an image that would stay in her head forever: Lena running after her, scolding for her recklessness, panting in the cold, the umbrella jumping up and down to her steps. Kara might be freezing outside, but inside she was a lava mountain, waiting to explode. No matter the crazy things Kara did, Lena always brought her to the ground with her calmness, and it was when Kara’s knees buckled, her hands trembled, she had no other choice but to raise the white flag.

 

Kara always surrendered in front of Lena. No walls could keep her away, no distance could save her from the ruins of once upon a dream. She had determined to give up, had turned her back from every kind of lingering hope. She had done what she could.

 

Why did she still have to fight everything to not kiss Lena?

 

The moment when she was drowned in the coldness of the night, she knew Lena was the source of heat that she was drawn to. And even worse, Lena closed her eyes as she accepted it. How could she?

 

Had Lena forgotten about the moment she pulled back from Kara’s lips, eyes widened in shock? Had she forgotten about the way she told straight at Kara’s face that the kiss was a mistake? Had she forgotten that she was the reason for Kara’s heartbreak for years? Had she forgotten everything?

 

Kara felt defeated. Stupid. Lena still had her grip on her. Ridiculously enough, Kara couldn’t tell if she would ever escape it.

 

Stuck in the loop of irritation, Kara decided to get up and went for a jog. She ran at a normal speed, passing by her neighborhood. When she eventually met the sight of a familiar street, Kara jogged backward to catch the sight of the building where Lena lived. There, on the fifteenth floor, habituated a woman whose presence could flip Kara’s mind upside down.

 

It was like falling for the enemy. In the best way, but also the worst way, Kara wanted to be hurt. It felt good at times, bad at other times, and eventually, Kara would be destroyed.

 

Still, she walked toward the building. She asked to go up to Lena’s floor. She stood in front of the door. She knocked.

 

Her heart - her fucking stupid heart - jumped for joy at the sight of Lena. Her friend was in her cat sweater and starry pants, her eyes were still dripping with sleepiness.

 

“Hey,” Kara greeted softly. Lena stared at her for a moment before smiling.

 

“Good morning. What are you doing here?” Lena stuck her head out to check left and right. “Did something happen?”

 

“Yes. I’m here to pick you up for coffee.” Kara gleefully invited. “Noonan’s. Remember?”

 

Lena let out a knowing ‘ah’. “I didn’t think we’d do this right today.”

 

“If you’re not available, another time then.” Kara shrugged, putting her hands in the pockets. She wanted to be casual and spontaneous. Even though showing up at Lena’s door to invite her to have coffee was spontaneous enough, Kara still felt the need to emphasize it.

 

“No. It’s fine. I’m free for the day.” Lena pushed the door wide open. “Just wait for me to get ready.”

 

Noonan’s was crowded this morning. It was a Sunday anyway. Kara and Lena stood in line, not being rushed by the daily routine. Their conversation was normal, too. There was no hint of annoyance or any bumps from the awkward failed kiss moment from yesterday. Kara had expected it, but it didn’t mean it wasn’t painful.

 

“How are you feeling today?” Lena suddenly asked when they were close to their turn. “Not feeling light-headed or something like a fever?”

 

Kara rolled her eyes confidently. “I’m tough as a nail. A night rain wouldn’t be enough to knock me down.”

 

Lena snickered, shaking her head. “You can’t fool someone who took care of your sick ass for three days in a row like this.”

 

The image of Lena sitting by the bed worriedly dabbed the towel on Kara’s forehead returned in Kara’s brain. Those were hard days, but the hardest thing was not bursting out any loving word that her heart wanted to say. Lena was like an angel sent from above, and it was torturous to love her in silence.

 

“It was a long time ago,” Kara faked a scoff, taking a step to claim her spot at the counter. Lena stood right next to her.

 

“Good morning. What can I get you, Miss?” The barista greeted her joyfully.

 

“Good morning. Can I get a medium milk coffee?” Kara said and turned to Lena. “What about you?”

 

Lena grinned, shrugging with a taunting look in her green eyes. “Surprise me.”

 

Kara chuckled, facing the barista again and said, “A double-cream coffee with side cookies for this maniac. Large.”

 

The barista nodded, taking the order. “It’s seventeen dollars and thirty-five cents, please.”

 

Seeing how Lena was taking her wallet out, Kara stopped her with one hand and gave the barista the twenty bill. Lena wanted to protest but Kara reminded her that she asked Lena out for coffee. Rolling her eyes with a smirk, Lena replied, “Such a gallant lady today, aren’t you?”

 

“What are you talking about? I’m always a knight in shining armor.” Kara stuck out her tongue.

 

“You’re always the biggest sore loser in games. Knight my ass.”

 

Kara laughed, waiting for her changes. The barista was shoving through the counter while she made a comment. “You guys are such a cute couple.”

 

Being mistaken as Lena’s girlfriend certainly was not something Kara expected. It got her tongue-tied as she scrambled to respond. The way Lena’s cheeks brightened up didn’t help. Kara found herself wanting to take the bait and claim Lena as her girlfriend, but then she realized it was the last shred of irrational hope she had left taking charge.

 

“We’re not - ” Lena started, giving Kara a quick glance, “ - like that.”

 

Kara caught the hint. Deflecting the ache in her chest, she forced a grin at the barista. “Yeah, we’re just friends.”

 

The woman behind the counter sent a knowing look Kara’s way before giving Kara the changes and finishing up her task of taking their names and giving their order number. Kara left the spot to find seats, Lena followed suit after her. They sat down in silence and awkwardness. Kara busied her hands by putting the changes in the wallet, trying to come up with something funny to say.

 

“Well, that happened,” Kara spoke eventually.

 

Lena chuckled. “Yeah. What was that girl thinking though? We’re both in sweatpants and silly shirts. Nobody dresses like this in their date.”

 

“ _If_ you were my date, you can wear a trash bag and I wouldn’t mind,” Kara turned the matter into a lighter tone. It was the only way to make things less awkward that she knew. Hopefully, Lena would catch on.

 

“ _If_ you were my date, I would never let you order my coffee,” Lena replied with a smug face. “Or let you pay.”

 

“You can’t play the independent woman when you’re on a date with another woman.”

 

“Who says so?” Lena arched an eyebrow. “And I’m not _playing_ anything. Dating me is an art. One might say I’m hard-to-get.”

 

Kara crossed her arms, taunting. “No way. You’re too soft.”

 

“You’ll never know,” Lena shrugged.

 

The smile on Kara’s face faded. Exactly. She would never know, indeed. The reality dawned on Kara like a bucket of ice water. Embarrassed out of a sudden, Kara looked down and silently laughed at herself. “Yeah, I won’t.”

 

A soft gasp was heard. Kara didn’t know if she got it wrong but it might have come from Lena. She looked up to check but then she heard her number being called. Kara quickly mouthed _I’d get it_ to Lena before standing up and joining the line of the people getting their coffee. She kept her eyes down so the train of her silent self-pity wouldn’t be cut off by a stranger prompting a conversation.

 

Eventually, it was Kara’s turn. She watched as the barista from before took two cups of coffee and a small bag of cookie with a bright smile on her lips.

 

“Here you go,” she said, tilting her head. “One medium milk coffee, one large double cream coffee, and side cookies.”

 

“Thank you,” Kara replied, taking the tray.

 

“Listen, I’m sorry for assuming you and your friend were together earlier,” the barista continued, giving Kara an apologetic smile.

 

Kara waved her hand dismissively. “It’s fine. She’s cool. I’m cool, too. No biggie.”

 

“I didn’t expect -,“ the woman shrugged with a certain shyness in her posture, “ - you to be _single_.”

 

Kara frowned slightly, confused. “Why not?”

 

“Come on, look at you.” The woman cleared her throat. “You’re too cute to be single.”

 

It took Kara a few seconds to realize she was being flirted with. The blush on the barista’s cheeks was the confirmation. “Oh?” she dumbfoundedly let out an immature response.

 

The woman’s brown eyes met Kara’s, and she quickly looked down. “Have a great day,” she stuttered as she lifted her head again. “Kara.”

 

The first thing that came up in Kara’s mind was asking how the woman knew her name but then she remembered that it was her job to know. Her eyes flickered down at the barista’s name tag and the reply came out of her mouth naturally. “Good day, Lucy.”

 

Kara walked back to the table where Lena was sitting at with a weird floating sensation in her chest. It wasn’t the first time she was flirted with, but it was surely the first time she was mildly impressed by it. Usually, she was only hit on when she was out alone or with someone else, not Lena. The pull of Lena’s presence brought a complete new aura to everything around Kara.

 

For the first time since forever, Kara noticed another woman beside Lena. She couldn’t really grasp this fresh feeling. Maybe the grip Lena had on Kara wasn’t as powerful as she had thought.

 

“You look like you just saw a ghost,” Lena joked when she took her cup.

 

Kara dropped down on the chair, huffing. Giving Lena a blank look, Kara blurted out. “The barista just flirted with me.”

 

Lena’s eyes widened. “Wow, that’s… interesting.”

 

 _Interesting?_ Kara didn’t expect Lena to seem so neutral. She was waiting for a more intense expression. Jealousy, maybe? The lack of emotional response from Lena irritated Kara suddenly. “Yes, well, she thinks I’m too cute to be single.”

 

Lena blinked, a soft smile formed on her lips. “Good for you.”

 

 _Aren’t you a little annoyed?_ Kara glanced down on the cup where her name was written. There were phone number digits below her name. “She gave me her number.” She moved the cup around for Lena to see.

 

_Come on, be annoyed!_

 

Lena checked the number quickly, then bent to the side a little to take a look at the counter. “Would you call her?”

 

Kara exhaled slowly so she wouldn’t have her blood pumping too quickly too soon. Lena seemed so nonchalant with the fact that someone flirted with her like it didn’t even affect her at all. It drove Kara mad. And she felt ridiculous to be annoyed by how Lena wasn’t annoyed.

 

“I might,” Kara spat out grimly, pulling Lena’s attention back. She sent a serious look at Lena’s direction, showing that she wasn’t bluffing. “She’s pretty.”

 

Lena didn’t say anything right away. Her mouth opened slightly, closed, then it formed another polite smile. The polite smile that Lena used to talk to the people she didn’t like. “Good luck with that.”

 

Kara gritted her teeth, silently seething at the way Lena wasn’t being sincere. She wanted to call Lena out for lying to her face, for not reacting honestly, for faking the tamed and supporting exterior that she shouldn’t be using it on Kara. She wanted to see Lena being jealous.

 

But it was her being a hypocrite. She wanted Lena to chase after her this time, but pulling back right before their lips touched. She wanted to see Lena wrecked in the heartbreak she was once in, but she also couldn’t stand the thought of it.

 

How could she expect Lena to be jealous when she didn’t give Lena anything to be jealous over? How could she tell herself that she had given up just to have another string of hope in the next day? How could she be so greedy?

 

In the end, she said the thing that a true friend would say. “Thank you.”

 

Another smile appeared on Lena’s face, but not on her lips. It hinted in her eyes, the way it reflected a sparkle. It could be tears, could be not. Kara wasn’t sure, but it gave Lena a solemn look. Her friend responded with an obvious tone and a rhetorical question.

 

“What friends are for?”

 

_Definitely not to fall head over heels for over a decade with._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I heard you guys prefer angst, then fluff.

**Author's Note:**

> One more to go.


End file.
